Hi Nancie!

Thanks for pointing that out! I think you’ve made so many important points! Congratulations in your self-awareness.

I’ve had the same kind of aversion to healthy people and have seen it in others who have had relational trauma. For me, it’s a subconscious and internal way to reject others before they can reject me. I also project the negative experiences I had as a child with “cool” kids onto safe, confident, and strong people. So for some reason, I’m equating safe, confident people with the cool, mean people who had hurt me in the past. There’s some sort of transference going on.

Maybe a way to challenge or rethink about these beliefs is digging deeper into what you’re already doing. Do you equate depth and personality with trauma, pain, problems, or hardship? What are other ways that people are interesting or have depth? Is there an unhealed part of yourself in which you’re jealous of those who have had happier, “easier,” or more “simple” lives? Is there any transference going on?

Maybe some other questions are — what do you say or do to “pull the mask off?”

I guess I would also want to know how you’re disassociating when you’re with your boyfriend? Having a negative thought about someone isn’t disassociating.