A Self-Care Gift Guide for a Stronger Relationship with Ourselves

The importance of giving gifts to ourselves

Photo by Jess Bailey on Unsplash

One of my main love languages is receiving gifts. Growing up, we weren’t allowed to celebrate, including traditional Chinese and American holidays. On birthdays, I received a cake and nothing else. Not even decorations. I was taught that material goods would make me a bad person. This “moral” created a cycle of wanting something followed by internal and external self-punishment.

I love gifts and giving to others but it creates a lot of conflicting feelings.

As a young adult, I thought gifts had to come from others. This idea led me to stay in relationships that didn’t have the emotional connections that I needed but included the material gifts that I craved.

In my thirties, even on a meager artist’s wage, I decided to learn how to treat myself so I could choose healthier relationships instead of staying in relationships that had gifts but didn’t have the other things I needed within a relationship. It’s good to know what one’s love languages are but it’s important to examine one’s internal emotional needs and to think about one’s relationship needs holistically.

Learning to give gifts to myself, even if it’s a small item, helps me to love myself more, have a stronger relationship with myself, and choose healthier partners.

1. I LOVE chapstick, especially Burt’s Bees Peppermint Lip Balm. I love naturally smelling things. When I apply this lip balm on my lips, I feel like I am walking into a fancy spa. It’s a small item that makes me feel fancy and loved.
2. When I was particularly poor or indecisive about whether I should leave or stay in NYC or quit being an artist, I would treat myself to a pair of fun socks every few months. I love socks with fun patterns on them, like these pumpkin latte socks from J. Crew. Wearing them and seeing them gives me a sense of joy. And even when I didn’t feel good about my career or where I was in life, I could look down at these socks and appreciate the little things about myself and about life.
3. My favorite gift I bought myself this year is this Ribbed Glass Table Lamp from West Elm. It’s the most expensive item on this list. I’ve been wanting it for over a year and finally bit the bullet and treated myself for my birthday. I bought the 9-inch and I LOVE IT so much! It looks like a little jellyfish on my fireplace mantle. Just looking at it makes me happy. I guess part of life and buying things is that we surround ourselves with things that we love. They also express who we are.
4. Admittedly, I am an adult but I still love stuffed animals. Grown adults are allowed to have stuffed animals too! They remind me to play and not to take life so seriously. Plus, they’re fluffy! These Jellycat stuffed animals are my favorite. I first bought them years ago for friends newborn babies but this year, I decided I deserved one myself. This little piggy is my favorite. It’s so soft and I love how tiny it is. When I get stressed, I look over at the stuffed animal and feel better.
5. I finally shelled out the money and bought this really smooth Shiseido SPF 50+ Sunscreen. I tried it years ago from one of those samples in beauty magazines and loved how light and smooth it was. I’ve tried all kinds of brands, from Banana Boat to Cetaphil Sunscreen Stick to AHC Natural Perfection Fresh Sun Stick. I get sunburned all the time using Banana Boat — even when it’s supposed to be waterproof and 50+. The Cetaphil stick was tiny and left a white cast. The AHC sun stick is easy to apply but it made my skin feel heavy and oily. The Shiseido sunscreen is amazing by comparison. It does smell stronger than I remembered. I hardly feel it and it actually protects me from the sun! I see a noticeable difference.
6. This August, I treated myself to a monthly membership to a boutique yoga studio. The boutique yoga studio is by no means a fancy place but it is nicer and more intimate than studios I went to in the past. The monthly membership was the best deal and I enjoyed getting back into shape after the pandemic and doing something regularly. I enjoyed the women that I met at the studio and am enjoying my new relationship with exercise and yoga. In the past, I would try as hard as possible, and without realizing it — hold my entire body in tension. Now, I move more slowly and at my pace, making sure that I listen to my body instead of overextending it. I never understood those breathing exercises in yoga. I was always like, “Why do I have to breathe?” without realizing that I didn’t know how to breathe and move at the same time. Now I actually have fun with the breathing exercises! It’s been nice learning to enjoy exercise and movement instead of forcing myself to lose weight or do everything perfectly. It’s more about showing up and healing my body instead of getting it right or making my body look or perform a certain way.
7. I bought myself a summer permit to play tennis. In NYC, you can’t just play tennis at public tennis courts. You have to buy a tennis permit that costs $100 and wait in line to sign up for a court. The entire system is outdated and honestly, anxiety-inducing. During the height of summer, people would start lining up at 5 AM to play and sometimes I’ve had to wait over an hour, if not two, to play tennis. Despite this system, I’ve come to learn that tennis is one of my favorite sports to play. Because tennis is at minimum a two-person game, I’ve had to put myself out there more this year, meet more people, and learn who I can deal with and who I can’t.
8. I LOVE red lipstick. It makes me feel so beautiful and elevated instantly. Red lipstick adds a certain level of drama and theater to our daily lives — in a good way. I tried the NARS Powermatte Lip Pigment for the first time and boy, does it add drama! And it truly stains — fully and long-lasting. In fact, I would be careful with it because I did stain my sink for a few days when I accidentally dropped some — it eventually washed away. In the last few years, I haven’t worn lipstick because with facemasks, it’s kind of null and void but since de-masking from the pandemic, I’ve had opportunities to wear lipstick again! Now I hope to gain the confidence to wear it for myself instead of fearing that people will think I’m wearing it for them.
9. To celebrate the female body, including my own, I treated myself to these Female Form Vases from Urban Outfitters. Most obelisks and well-known landmarks are male in form. It’s wonderful to celebrate the female form within my own home, including female sexuality based on my own (female) terms instead of the male lens!
10. Lastly, I always need a journal — to self-reflect, write about the day, or note anything that I’m learning. I like these Anecdote journals because their covers have a cloth-like texture while also retaining the hardback quality of Moleskines. They’re of great quality and also a few dollars less! So win-win!

It’s important to give to ourselves so that we know how to give to others. People are often concerned with overconsumption but I think there’s healthy self-giving and self-love. When we don’t give enough to ourselves, we overextend ourselves, stay in unhealthy relationships and jobs, and expect others to read our minds and give to us. Giving to ourselves doesn’t have to come from a materialistic or egotistical place. It can come from the heart. For instance, when I give a gift to others — I’m giving to give. Not to receive or to show off.

Knowing our personal intentions for giving is important and learning to give to ourselves from a place of love, acceptance, and celebration teaches us to give to others from a loving place.

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